7 tissues and paraffin

It’s officially been a year since my surgery. I really can’t believe it’s been that long but equally it feels like a very long year. So much has happened, so much healing. I feel altogether an entirely different human than a year ago. Much less afraid of things, more resilient…

But I have flashbacks, thunderous ones. My most recent flashback is where I woke up in the ICU at St George’s and was coughing up stuff from having been on the ventilator. I had a box of tissues in my lap and they were really terrible to pull out of the box. For some reason I could only use one hand to get them out so I would line them up individually on my lap. I needed to have seven tissues, seven tissues at any time. If I used one then I had to get a fresh one out of the box and add it to the line up. Counting back and forth, having seven, must have seven. I also had really dry lips so they gave me a little tube of paraffin. I must have spent two days counting tissues and applying paraffin. Back and forth, over and over again. I went through boxes of tissues. I can see now that it was my way of dealing with the trauma I was experiencing both physically and mentally. I’m thankful for my ability to cope and to help give me the space and time that I needed to heal. Strangely even now if I feel a bit panicked I remember the seven tissues and it still calms me.