Cancer Day 21: Grandma Mabel

Very emotional day for me today (who am I kidding, they’ve ALL been emotional! :P) I was down this morning, overwhelmed about the chemo and then remembered that today was my first day having to take care of Evie on my own as Elliott went back to work. And it was just like any other normal day, which was nice. We went shopping, went to the park, etc. We’re getting ready for her birthday party and it’s nice to have something to look forward to.
I think I feel so much more now. I think I notice small things that I might have overlooked before. The wind today was fresh and cool and smelled like newly cut grass. It was blowing all the trees and the grass around almost like waves in the ocean. Last Tuesday after my surgery we had the balcony doors open and the wind was blowing in the exact same way, making the trees swish their leaves together.
I lay in my hospital bed listening to the leaves and feeling the cool air and while I slept or dreamed or something, I had a walk with my Grandma Mabel. She smelled like her and gave me such a lovely hug. She told me that she had passed away a bit earlier so that she could watch out for me and help take care of me and my pain. That she loved me and knew that my situation was only temporary and not to worry. She told me what she always used to tell me, that she knows all the hardships I’ve faced growing up and how special and brave I am. She told me she loved me and to take care of Elliott and Evie as they need me. I felt so calm and lovely laying in that bed and having that time with my Grandma. And whilst I miss her desperately I’m glad she’s gone in a way. She wouldn’t have been able to hear about any of this. It would have been much too upsetting for her. But I’m positive she would have said the same things to me as she did the other day.
So all my bandages are off now and my blue tit is more like a black and blue tit. 🙂 🙂  The surgeon did a great job and my scar is underneath and can’t be seen. Once the bruising is gone and the swelling goes down it will look mostly like it did before. The troubling part is the incision under my arm. It aches and has started to swell. I read that it might be because they cut out a couple lymph nodes so now fluid is collecting. It should dissipate on its own in time. (hopefully)
I haven’t been able to get hold of the oncologist but will try again tomorrow. We’re scouting around now for fertility clinics to go to in order to hurry up and collect eggs. I’ve also got an appointment for a heart echo on Thursday. They need to make sure my heart doesn’t have any defects prior to chemo. yay 🙁

Feeling: Thoughtful