I thought Sunday was going to be a really easy, great day following on from Saturday. But it was a very hard day. I’ve struggled to find the best words to describe how I feel without alienating people I care about. I probably just lack the vocabulary really! But to sum it up, lately I am having a hard time determining what I’m upset about. Is it the cancer, my grandmother dying or my miscarriage. And I was surprised that yesterday I was most upset about my miscarriage. I know what you’re going to say, which is all the logical things, like how my baby saved my life, etc. But feeling bad isn’t a logical process, it’s an emotional one. And yesterday I was deeply upset that our plans have gone completely out the window. I was so looking forward to my next baby. December 5 was my due date and now it will be at least 2.5 years before we can even try again, if I’m not sent into menopause or have had my ovaries ripped out of me.
Please don’t think I’m not happy for my friends, I’m overjoyed! And I can’t wait to hold all their precious little ones and watch them grow up, But I’m just so torn right now. Part of me is upset that everyone’s lives are ticking along and I’m stuck in this weird sort of hell, and the other part of me is just so happy that life continues along like normal, helping to inspire me and provide a sense of comfort. And I do know that my life will be normal again. But right now I’m back and forth every two minutes like a ping pong ball. And I’m scared to share how I feel with people that don’t really know me because I don’t want them stop sharing with me. Because I want to strive to only be inspired by them even if right now I’m not feeling very well.
I absolutely HATE someone telling me I can’t have something I want, and now all I want is to grow our family and I’m unable. I know I have more important things to think about, but this was my Sunday…..