Monday 25 May 2015
I really hate waking up in the mornings. I see Evie smiling her toothy grin at me and Elliott snoring and feel so peaceful and happy. Then it hits me all over again what’s happening and I’m devastated. When I’m asleep I’m free and at peace. I don’t have cancer and I’m normal and happy. But when I’m awake I feel like I’m carrying an unwanted piece of terror around with me.
I feel so sad and so angry all at the same time. I’ve lost most of my appetite for food but then when I eat I can’t stop. I feel hopeless and then full of hope within a few seconds.
I love to plan things to keep myself busy but I can’t plan anything. I don’t know when my surgery is, I don’t know what they are going to cut out of me and how long it’s going to take me to heal. I don’t know what secondary treatments they will want me to do. I don’t know anything.
Here’s hoping tomorrow is more calm, more peaceful.