Well at least a pattern is starting to form! Last night was terrible. Maybe the steroids kicking in? I felt only a *tiny* bit of nausea so we were able to manage that better this time, but good Lord I was emotional. Crying, getting angry. Was just not understanding why this is happening to me/to us. I felt terrible about how Elliott is having to go through this, and I was missing my friends/family and my baby. And then I just wanted my Daddy! So we skyped him and that helped calm me down. He always knows how to do it. He just talks to me about other things, things with him, things with my brother and it distracts me from myself. There’s nothing worse than stewing in your mess that you can’t change.
My oncologist had told me before the chemo started that I could ask for a sedative to help with the steroids etc. Something to help me sleep. I might see if I can get one pill for the first night. Because even though I’m so damn tired I just can’t fall asleep very easily and then I get myself worked up. The steroids make my heart race and it’s hard to calm down from it.
I think I’ve decided to have the surgery. I can’t take another 4 months of not being able to sleep on my left side, of being cautious each time I bend down etc. I need one less headache, one less thing to worry about. If that means I have to stay overnight in hospital next week then I’ll do it. That way no one has to be burdened with taking care of me.
In some positive news it looks like we will be able to go away for our anniversary at the end of this month. It’s only a couple nights in Italy but it gives me something to look forward to. 🙂
I’ve also decided that when chemo/radiation/surgery is ALL DONE WITH. I want to have a big japanese themed party where everyone comes dressed as Japanese and we’ll have sushi and karaoke! It will be the party of the decade. woohoo! (And yes Adrian if you want to come you have to dress up properly!!) 😛