Stuck, stagnant, standing still, inert
All words to describe my current position in life. Some might try to use positive words such as:
Healing, Recuperating, and even dare I say Living?
But those people will also push guilt onto me about not being grateful enough, about learning to not throw a pity party for myself etc. But what is my life for? What did I survive cancer for if it’s to stand still and wait to feel better? From an outsider’s perspective I’m sure that besides the cancer it seems I have a charmed life, and perhaps I do. But I’m haunted. I forget my ordeal and then I’m slammed back into it. This morning the barriers at my train station had adverts on getting help through Cancer. In Las Vegas there was a woman sitting in a wheelchair wearing a bandana asking for money saying she was struggling through cancer. And when these things happen to me I don’t handle them well. I don’t handle them with strength and poise like people think or expect of me. I crumble, I cry. I get angry and scream about the unfairness of life. I get upset that when we’re all standing in a queue of chance and I get the gift of cancer. I know all the usual things people will say to me, as I say them to myself. I tell myself all the time how lucky I am, how I just need to pause and tomorrow will be better. And most times it is. But in just a week I’ll have the one-year anniversary of finding out about my cancer. My C-date. Each time I think about it I get upset. The feelings are so raw and I just can’t escape them. So yeah, my words right now are stuck, stagnant, standing still….inert….and I don’t see that changing even tomorrow.