Yesterday afternoon I was in a terrible mood. And at the time I didn’t think I was, and it was only when I was getting into bed last night did I realise what had set me off. It took some digging as I knew I woke up fairly happy!
A few months ago Elliott and I read a news article about a woman who was pregnant and had a fairly aggressive form of breast cancer. She had opted to keep her baby and sacrifice stronger courses of chemo in the hopes she would carry to term and her baby would survive.
At the time I remember thinking what a hero she was, that I would have done the same thing if I hadn’t miscarried. And Elliott, (being the wise person he is) told me that I wouldn’t have. That I would have probably chosen to have an abortion because it wasn’t about the unborn baby I didn’t have yet, but about the little girl we already had. That we owed it to Evie to fight this fight and win.
And of course he was right. But I still hoped that this lady would be okay. Well as it turns out in early December she gave birth early to a little girl, and heart-breakingly her baby died only 8 days old. To make matters worse this woman has now just found out that her cancer has most likely spread to her lungs. So now no baby, and her cancer has spread.
When I read this yesterday I wasn’t upset, but I must have somehow carried it around with me, letting it seep into my head. And now I’m pretty scared. I’m already haunted by chemo. I can close my eyes and still feel like I’m sitting there, willing myself to be sick to get rid of the cancer. I can close my eyes and feel like I’m sat in my hospital bed. I’m terrified my cancer will return. So much so that I can’t enjoy the lovely and very blessed life that I do have. My cancer was very aggressive and it only takes one cell to escape and grow. I know I’m not invincible and I’m really really scared.
I have an appointment with my oncologist tomorrow to talk to her about this. I know that this is a normal problem and I need to get it under control.