So I had my first appointment with my counselor. I’m not sure what to call her? The session was fine, really for us to get to know each other.
I told myself I wasn’t going to cry (and I did). It was almost embarrasing as there, on her desk, was my file. That mammoth thing that outlines every atrocity and test and exam that has been done to me in the last 10 months. She saw me eyeing it and even asked if I’d feel better if she put it away. I let it sit on her desk and it served to remind me of why I was there. Wouldn’t it be nice though if I could steal it and set it on fire? Watch the damn thing burn into nothing. Just thinking about it makes me feel free!
Anyways, there were only two fairly interesting questions she had for me.
1. How do I cope with things?
2. What do I want from my life?
The first one made me laugh out loud. Mostly because the answer used to be either not at all, or very badly. In fact Elliott used to tell me that I needed to get a better perspective on things because if I ever had to handle something bad, something like cancer, that he worried how I would cope. Well I think I can say I coped with cancer fairly well. But now? I don’t think I cope very well. I get stressed very easily and I worry about strange things. Like germs, and being around too many people.
The answer to the second question surprised me as it just sort of fell out of my mouth. I said I want 3 things. 1: To be happy, 2: To not be afraid of getting cancer again and 3: I want to have more babies.
The counselor lady said there’s no magic wand, and I know that. But what is definitely coming out in everyone I speak to lately is that I’m being way too hard on myself. (we all knew that would happen didn’t we?) And I need to take a pause, take a deep breath and take one day at a time. So I’m going to focus on that. One day at a time….