CANCER, PART 2: DAY 30: How you feel when no one is watching

I got out of hospital yesterday morning. In spite of the ongoing saga that is my nipple…the colour hasn’t changed, yes I keep it warm all the time and it’s fine.
I was so happy to get out of hospital. Not in the least bit emotionally prepared for the journey home or even being home, but I know that I can’t rest in a place that has its own ecosystem of constantly checking me, waking me up etc. They were amazing really, and for being in there for 4 nights they really took care of me. Francis was my main woman during the day shift and she is 66 years old, retiring in two weeks. I’m only a bit older than her daughter and we got on really well. She was a tough cookie and never babied me, which I really liked. She gave me a lovely hug when I was leaving and got a bit teary. She is made of all the good stuff and I’ll miss her. 🙂
Being home is great, getting to see Evie and Elliott and his parents. They put their lives on hold to look after us and have stayed over to help out.
The best part is sleeping in my own bed. I was nervous that Ell would knock into me but I slept 10-6, straight through, didn’t even move. And it turned out that was a big problem for me. I was having a weird dream and in my dream I was in a lot of pain. The pain was so bad it woke me up and I couldn’t move my left arm. I was frozen. Ell keeps asking me to describe the pain but it’s really hard. I’ve had so much stuff done to me and how do you describe it? Sometimes it feels like a huge brick on my chest, pushing in on my lungs. Sometimes it feels like a searing pain underneath my boob and it feels like it’s being ripped. So I was frozen and Ell popped up to get me some pain relief. In 30 minutes I was so much better. I’ve had two naps today though. Just washing my own hair and unpacking my suitcase exhausted me.
I wanted to go out today and get some fresh air but in the end I was too scared. My bandages come up quite high and I’m anxious about funny looks from people. I also have bought maybe 8 different sports bras and they all hurt me. They either push on my port or push on my lymph node scar. Maybe they will feel differently once the bandages are off tomorrow.
I also have been feeling down. The realisation of what’s coming up is starting to already get to me. I forgot that I have to go get my port flushed once a week with heparin so that it doesn’t get funky and weird and stop working and I could get an infection. The only place I can go do that is in the chemo unit where we went before to get chemo. The process end-to-end is probably 45 minutes. I’m going to have to go before Wednesday and I’m dreading it.
When you have cancer, and are going through all this bullshit, why can’t they just give you like a medical sedative which only makes you feel happy and carefree 100% of the time with zero side effects? Then it could have the added benefit of rendering you with no memories whatsoever of all the misery you have to endure. That would be awesome.
But in spite of all this, I feel much better than I thought I would. How crazy is that!?