Last night I found out that I have to have chemo. I had expected it. That is why I had a port put in…but the reality of those words really hurt.
What also hurt was feeling all my bandages being ripped off of me. The breast care nurse Ginny and my surgeon with their blue gloves standing over me. It was fine until they got to the bandage under my arm covering where they removed two lymph nodes. Then I let out a wail and my body freaked out. It was the worst pain…when I got home I was able to have a proper look. My skin never likes bandages. They pull my skin off in little pieces. Without my shirt on I look like a little patchwork quilt made up of red bits where my skin is gone.
Ever since they yanked the armpit bandage I’m having shooting electricity pains in it. I feel like it’s set me back a couple days with my pain relief.
When I woke up this morning I saw a post on the group for my 20th year high school reunion. It’s next month and I was planning on going until this all kicked off. They are preparing materials to honour our classmates who have passed. Reading about these people I went to school with, and seeing that at least one has died of cancer…knowing this is now my second bout of the dreadful stuff. It’s gotten me really upset.
But it’s the chemo that’s really shaken me. I never thought I’d have to have it again. I can’t sleep, having dreams of being on fire and then when I wake up it’s still a nightmare. There are a thousand other feelings I’d love to have right now, but the only one that resonates is feeling miserable. So I think I’m going to get some fresh air today. Remind myself why I’m alive.