I quickly realised after Thursday that having chemo was the easy part. That even taking all the different drugs after chemo was the easy part. In the morning I wake up and take three steroids and an anti-nausea. Then an anti-nausea before every meal. Today, Sunday is the last day of the meds and then I’m on my own.
I’m so scared.
Yesterday was horrific. I don’t deal well with Steroids, they turn me into a completely different person. I’m really trying to be more mindful of them today especially as I’ve just taken the last dose, but they make me angry, sensitive, paranoid and I can start crying at the drop of a hat. That, coupled with the fact that I look normal and feel fairly normal, other than being a bit more tired than usual, doesn’t make for a very compassionate household!
So yes, I’m scared because tomorrow is the first day without any drugs and that’s when I will really know what this stuff will feel like. How long is it going to take until I feel differently? Or is this going to be as bad as I feel? Just a bit tired? Not quite ‘whole’. Or am I going to get much worse? I have a platinum level chemo in my system. I literally have platinum running through my veins, disrupting mechanisms to stop cancer cells from growing. When am I going to feel it working? 🙁 🙁 🙁
I know I should be celebrating that I still feel fairly okay. Ell keeps getting upset with me that I’m living my life in the future and getting upset over things I don’t even know about, but he’s not me and I can’t help but to stress about it. It’s very difficult staying in the moment. Very difficult…