Cancer Day 155 / Rad Session 0/15: Healing time

It’s fair to say I’m still in shock. I keep waking up in the night and it hits me again that I don’t have to have chemo. I’m very emotional about it. So much of what my Doctor said to me is a blur after those words. Parts of it are coming back to me now but not much! One thIMG_7728ing she did say was not to think that my crying persuaded her to stop my chemo. (One of the times she put the cotton bud on my finger, and I opened my eyes, it was actually the needle. I burst into tears. That’s when I realised how much worse my numbness was then I had thought.) She told me I’ve reached ‘maximum toxicity’ which is a bit scary to hear. I just still can’t believe that tomorrow I’ll wake up and not have chemo. My chemo book for my 8th treatment will stay empty 😀 and that on Saturday it will be my first Saturday in months where I’m hoping I’ll feel like I’ve started to come out the other side, where I’ll be properly healing.
I’ve noticed that people think I’m done, or that I’m okay now, expecting me to go back to normal. But it’s anything but. I am so very tired. So tired I can’t sleep. I keep thinking I need time to heal, but I’m not sure how to do that? I think I’m pushing myself too hard to get back into the swing of things and especially to be able to take more care of Evie. But I can’t. I don’t have the strength, don’t have the energy.

IMG_7733Also my hair has started growing back….it’s like a baby chick’s fur right now, all white etc. My doctor said it will be that colour until it gets a bit longer and then pigment will start to show. Very weird!!

Feeling: Exhausted