Will it always be like this?

I was supposed to have an appointment with my breast surgeon (the cancer one) and had to cancel because of the Queen’s funeral. So I finally had my appointment yesterday…I have fat necrosis in my right breast, which basically means it has a big, hard lump in it. You’re supposed to massage it and the fat will soften over time, but the surgeon was worried about it so ordered an ultrasound.

But then it was all over and it was all fine. But every time things are fine, there’s a cloud of misery that hangs above you and it takes ages for that cloud to clear again. I tried to make jokes when I was in there, as it’s my obvious coping mechanism…but as soon as I got home and was with Elliott, I just burst into tears. I don’t really have a good excuse. I’m fine, there are no problems, but it’s just very stressful. NOT very much fun 🙁

I had to walk downstairs, and saw a nurse who has literally held my hand through untold amounts of biopsies. I can never remember her name but she was a friendly face. Then I had to lay back and get an ultrasound of both sides and it was all fine. But the whole time it’s just pure panic and anxiety. I asked the radiologist if I could see the screen because I’ve never seen stomach fat in breasts before on an ultrasound. I was seriously panicking….surely I can’t get cancer again in boobs that aren’t actually boobs?