Cancer Day 57: The worst day

Probably the worst day I’ve had in awhile. Hindsight it might be the pain of the port and the tube that’s stretching across my collar bone, but I think really it’s that the countdown to Thursday’s chemo has begun.
In the morning I went to the GP to have my 28 day implant put in that shuts down my ovaries to protect them from the chemo. The needle was the largest I’ve ever seen and it was injected into my belly. I can tell you that it was excruciating. I won’t have that done again. They will have to figure out another way because that tops my pain threshold by a long shot. It’s left a nick in my belly and will leave another scar apparently. The side effects from this treatment alone would be as if I’m in menopause.
Then Evie was just terrible all day. I wanted desperately to have one last good day with my sweet baby. But somehow she’s cutting another four teeth at the same time. So grumpy!! By the time I got her in bed I was in bed too.
I’m definitely getting more upset, nervous, anxious etc. it almost feels like this it, this is the end of me as I know it. I know that’s not true and that by the end of October I’ll be done with chemo but I’m just so scared.
I’m scared to walk in that place Thursday and willingly hurt myself to kill potential rogue cancer cells. It’s so hard. No amount of cheerleading or being grateful will help this. This is going to be the hardest thing I ever do.

Feeling: Scared