Up and Down

I’m up and down, and I’m trying to allow myself to feel whatever it is, but I am not a person who enjoys the down. I really don’t have time for it, no space to wallow.

Emilia changes by the day, Evie is growing up so fast and she needs me to be in my best form. There’s no time to feel down.

My boss told me I should take some time to process what’s happening. But I don’t understand why? Could you really sit down and process having cancer? Could you really process having it three times? Can you ever really put yourself in a positive mental place? Not me. I need to have surgery, I need to rid myself of this stuff. I need to make lists and stay busy.

When the darkness starts to set in, all you get is big unanswerable questions like, why me? Why again? What did I do to deserve this? Why this constant pain? Why do I have to be separated from my family? Why why why? Then tears and then anger. None of that helps anyone and it doesn’t help me. So I make more lists and just try to stay busy. Busy busy busy!!