We went on holiday and only told a few people before we went. It was better that way. Just wanting to be normal for a bit longer. Just to have it be the three of us, even for a moment. We hadn’t been on a holiday just us since Evie was 9 months old, since before Hell Part 1 kicked off.

And here we are again.

In so many ways it’s easier this time, and harder. I’m going back and forth so much right now. But I’m lucky that I don’t feel down. Not yet, not really anyways.

In the first few days both Elliott and I had a sense of relief. We keep hearing what good news it is that we caught it so early. But it’s such a strange thing.

Mammogram = Clear

Ultrasound = Clear

PET CT Scan = Clear

Biopsy = Positive

We met with my surgeon as soon as we got back and he confirmed that the cancer is the same as it was the first time around, triple-negative breast cancer, invasive ductal carcinoma with lobular features. It’s in the scar from my original surgery. It’s been hiding out, waiting. Waiting until I was really happy.

I’m happy again about having had a miscarriage. It seems that fate has given us a small blessing in that we don’t have to make any difficult decisions. We take our small bits of happiness where we can.

So I’m having next Tuesday. 1st August. Single mastectomy with reconstruction. All nipple sparing though I’ve been told the nipple is for aesthetics only and won’t ‘sensate’. That’s the word I was given when I cheekily asked if it would still work. :p I’m also having a port-a-cath put in at the same time, if they can find a radiologist who is free. Should I let them know I still have my old one? :p

I’ll be in hospital for a week, then home to heal for 4-6 weeks before I start my chemotherapy.

I remember saying when I finished last time that to have chemo again would be my worst nightmare. It doesn’t feel so much a nightmare now, more like my salvation.