This morning we decided to go to church as it will probably be quite awhile before we’re able to go again. I’m not sure how Elliott feels but church always makes me feel more calm, more peaceful. Regardless of what I or anyone else believe, it’s pretty overwhelming to know that people who dedicate their lives to something they believe in will take even a few minutes to help us and listen to us as we go through this ordeal. Plus it’s nice sitting where we were married and where our girl was baptised. It feels like our home.
No matter what I do or who I talk to, it just keeps coming back into my head that I’m having chemo. I’m just so terrified of it. It’s like a nightmare. I just keep thinking they are going to come at me with that syringe and I’m going to start screaming at them and tell them where they can go!! Somehow I’m going to have to change my perspective completely so that I WANT the chemo. So that I know it’s going to CURE me. That a body I’ve kept free of drugs and other nasties I’m now going to purposefully fill with something that I know will harm me. I just can’t get my head around it.  (BTW Alcohol clearly doesn’t count)
So tomorrow is a busy day. I’m having an injection of radioactive dye around the cancer so that in my surgery on Tuesday they will be able to take out some sentinel nodes under my armpit to check and see if the cancer has spread. The dye will turn my breast blue, and the blue could last for up to a year. I’ve joked that people should call me ‘Blue Tit’. 🙂

Feeling: Stressed