Cancer Day 150 / Chemo Session 7/8: Numb

Peripheral sensory neuropathy. Sounds like fun doesn’t it? Apparently it affects people over the age of 60, (oh and me of course). Symptoms are gradual numbness and tingling in the hands and feet, burning pain, impaired ability to sense one’s limbs, loss of balance and coordination, sensitivity to touch etc. My first two doses of Paclitaxal I’d have the numbness in my fingertips and my feet for a few days but then I’d get full sensation back. I’m 7 days post chemo and my feeling hasn’t come back yet. 🙁 🙁 I’m worried about the last dose of chemo and what it will do. I can still type on a computer but I will need to go back to work eventually. What will that be like if I can’t feel my hands and feet? 🙁
So this week I’ve been trying to get out at least once per day (except today where I’m staying in bed). I tried pilates on Wednesday which was good. I think I’ll start it properly after chemo is finished. But what was funny is the lady asked me if I had any ‘problem areas’ that I wanted to tone, like my bum or my stomach. And I just stared at her like, WHY ON EARTH would I care what my stomach and bum look like when I’m going through what I’m going through?! And ever since then I just keep imagining what my skeleton looks like in a coffin in about 200 years and how no one will give any sort of crap what my ass looked like. There will be no ass, just my bones and maybe a name on a tombstone. I also keep thinking about how really vain everyone is, or superficial, or whatever you want to call it and how I used to be like that too. Hair, teeth, bums, stomachs, etc. how we care so much what we look like, what others think about us. Are we skinny enough? Are we pretty enough? Do we wear the right clothes etc.? And yes obviously a huge part of me is upset that I have no hair, eyebrows or eyelashes anymore, where I feel like my identity has been stripped away from me, but the other part is also like it’s just all crap. None of it actually matters. My breasts are now lopsided, one is blue, I’ve got a scar from where they took out lymphnodes and another one for my port. I’m riddled with bruises all the time because of the chemo. I have needle marks on my stomach and my arm…and I can’t feel my hands and feet and yet someone asks me if I want to tone my bum. It’s just such a strange world to see from the outside right now. Such a strange world….

Feeling: Numb