Cancer Day 170 / Rad Session 3/20: No more pain

This one is sort of a two-parter. The first is I’m fine. I’m a bit sensitive emotionally lately from various things….firstly the haul to and from the treatment centre every day has me very tired. Last night my breast turned pink and it felt like I have a sunburn. It really upset me but then was gone this morning. I just don’t want to blister. I don’t know how to explain that I just CANNOT handle anymore pain. I spoke to the centre today and they reassured me that everything is fine and they really don’t think I’ll blister.
But if I do start to blister a huge part of me wants to walk away from this treatment. I just can’t take anything else. I feel really heavy, burdened down with everything that’s been swirling around me the last few months.
Then I noticed in the waiting room there was a sign for a breast cancer screening…..starting at the age of 40. My thoughts just ran away with me. If I hadn’t found my cancer it could have spread…if I had waited to go to the doctor or anything, I just wouldn’t have made it to see the age of 40. It’s so important for people to check their breasts, to pay attention to changes. So important. 🙁
The second part is about Halloween but not really about Halloween. I just can’t wait to look like me again. Or at least see what the new me will look like. I try to not look in the mirror anymore because I am just a ghost. When I put my vampire makeup on, I ended up just looking like a normal person. It really upset me…I had to go back and darken everything up. 🙁 I’m blank, like someone washed everything off of me.
Feeling: Burned