When we met with my oncologist more than a week ago she gave me the choice of having the chemotherapy or not. She said I’d have about a 68% chance of this cancer not coming back if I decided to do nothing at all. Or I could do the chemo and radiation and increase my odds by another 20% or so. That was really hard to hear. It had always felt easier thinking this was being forced on me, but to know that each time I walk in and sit there having this drip of stuff, that it will be because I’ve chosen it…
But I’m so angry about it all. I see people smoking, hear about people wanting to kill themselves, and it just baffles me. I’ve never smoked, never done drugs. I even stopped wearing antiperspirant because I was worried about getting breast cancer from aluminium! I eat pretty healthy, (definitely need to exercise). I have always played things safe, never even had a speeding ticket! So now here I am. I’m not a risk taker, I’m not a revolutionary. I’m just a small town Missouri girl. So why is this happening to me??
Last night I was more upset then I have been in awhile. A couple years ago my brothers and I were in an accident in a golf buggy type thing. I was the most injured as I hit my head and broke my wrist. My head, underneath my hair, has a scar and then I have a small one on the side of my face. I haven’t been too bothered by them, but it hit me like a bolt that when I lose my hair you’re going to be able to see these scars. I’m going to look awful, like a zombie or something. Or a James Bond villain. And it upset me all night. Then Elliott told me that it would be okay, that Evie would still recognise me. And it never occurred to me that she wouldn’t, so that upset me even more. I just want this nightmare to be over with.