Cancer Day 74 / Chemo Session 2/8: Part 1

I’m sorry I haven’t posted in awhile but it’s been just one thing after another these past few days. To focus on the positives first, it was great having our nanny help get Evie packed and read to go to her grandparents house for a few days. And then Elliott and I were able to have a lovely date night. We’ve figured out going to the movies is a great way to not just sit around and think about having to have chemo the next day.
But when we showed up to chemo we went through some of the initial steps, taking a strong anti-nausea and plugging into m
y port, only for them to tell us we wouldn’t be having chemo.
They’ve had all week to sort out the problems with my heart and instead of arranging a meeting with the radiologist earlier and trying to get it all fixed, they wait until I show up for chemo. So Elliott and I went to a nice breakfast and then spent the rest of the day with our girl, followed up by my crazy haircut.
I’m very emotional right now. I’ve been just spontaneously crying and I’m sure I’m driving Elliott crazy. But he’s managing me so very well. My love.

This morning we went for an ultrasound with the radiologist and he’s said it’s unusual but for some reason my tube is somehow irritating my heart. He said many patients have a tube right into their heart and it causes zero problems. He’s said it’s not dangerous but if it’s really bothering me then we can have surgery next Tuesday to fix it.
I’m not sure what to do.

On the pros to having it fixed:
Hopefully none or less palpitations
I won’t have anxiety when someone tries to pull blood out of my port

Cons to surgery:
Could get another infection/hematoma
Might not have enough platelets to stop bleeding internally
Could delay the next round of chemo
Could wind up on the THIRD FLOOR
Have to spend another night away from Evie, and wouldn’t be able to lift her for a few days afterwards again

I did ask about when the port would be removed in general and they said about 6 weeks after the chemo is finished, so probably around Thanksgiving. I don’t know if I can go another 4 months with my heart being like this. It’s already put me on edge…any thoughts?
I’m just this second finishing my second round of chemo. The last bag is a big bag of saline to help flush it all through. I’m so tired, just saturated with exhaustion.
Last night I had my hair cut off. And the process itself was fine. Ell is excited about my different wigs and keeps promoting the flexibility I have in deciding what I look like each day but it’s not me. This isn’t my choice. I don’t want to have to go through any part of this whatsoever. I want to be free of the needles and the nurses and the constant cancer chatter. I have no life outside of this crap. I just want to have a good time with my friends and not be so paranoid of germs. I want to travel and I want to have a party and dance dance dance!

Feeling: Exhausted