Feeling Low

Today is my last day of steroids. I am so glad as I can’t wait to get as far away from any sort of medicines as possible.
I’m also terrified, teary and just plain scared. I’m at that crazy crossroads again of just waiting, healing, feeling my way through things.
My palms are tingly, my feet and calves are tingly. I don’t feel like myself. I’m terrified of getting cancer again, of dying. How do you move forward with your life after something like this?
I remember feeling the exact same way last time I finished my treatment. What’s next? How can I be my best self so that I don’t get sick again?
Elliott did a great job of reminding me last night that I have done everything I can to make sure my cancer doesn’t come back. I had every thing cut out of me that I could, and no evidence of spread. And my mental status might not be the best since I still have the chemo drugs flowing through my body, that the steroids will make me feel a bit crazy and my sleeping pill will bring me back down again. He also reminded me that I need to rest and be patient with myself. Two things I’m not the best at doing!!
So I’ve resorted to ticking things off of lists, trying to get things done for Christmas, presents purchased, Evie’s ski stuff sorted out for our holiday in early January, and all from the confines of my incredibly warm bed. I’m even going to be packing my ‘go-bag’ in case I have to end up in hospital again. That way I won’t be left without a toothbrush and a phone charger. That was pure agony! 🙁
I’ve also booked myself in to see my hypnotherapist who I’ve not seen since my mastectomy so that I can help to combat this worry/stressful feeling that I have.
I know some of this is my feeling that I don’t have control of things, that our lives are seemingly not our own to decide what does and doesn’t happen. That I need to take a big deep breath and remember that I’m alive right now, that my pain WILL go away, and that things will actually be okay…maybe even good….perhaps even GREAT!