This morning I washed my hair which felt amazing. It took me awhile to figure out how to lean forward without putting pressure on anything, but afterwards I felt amazing. So clean! Then I laid on my bed and fell asleep. I was exhausted from washing my hair! Goodness I hope I’m ready on Sunday when I go home…
Evie and Ell’s parents came to visit me today. It was so lovely to see them, and I got to kiss my girl and smell her toddler smell. She was so sweet and such a good girl. I’ve missed her so much. She doesn’t deserve to have a mummy with tubes going in and out of her. I don’t want her to think mummy is always sick. I want her to be crazy and fun and carefree. Not worrying about me or where I’m at. I’m glad she’s still so little. It would break my heart so much more if she understood what was going on. I hope we can get so far away from all this that she never has to understand.
It’s really hit me in the last few hours what’s just happened to me. I just had a mastectomy. I started to type What the Hell, WTH. But I think I’m allowed a WTF. So WTF!? Did I just have this happen? Plus a port put in too? I look down and there’s a boob there. It’s not my boob, but it sorta looks like my boob. It’s a bit of a different shape, and obviously swollen and weird right now. Most of it’s numb which really makes it feel like it’s not part of me. But it looks like mine.
I had cancer again. How could that have happened? How did I get to this point again? To have been so unlucky?
I don’t feel any differently. I thought I’d feel different but I don’t. I just feel numb and weird and a bit scared of the future. But how did I get here? It’s all so surreal…
I think they are going to take my drains out tomorrow. I have two drains, like little plugs stitched into the skin at my sides. I can’t really feel it, more of a pressure so I’m not in any real pain from it. The drains relieve the buildup of fluid so I don’t swell up. They will probably remove them tomorrow. I think it won’t be very fun because there were talking about giving me pain medicine 30 minutes before they pull them out…
I’m getting anxious now. I want the pathology of the cancer to come back, to know fully what it is and how we’re going to make sure this doesn’t come back a third time.
On a side note I’ve been keeping track of how many needles I’ve had in me this time. It’s up to 20 individual injections/cannulas. That seems like a lot….sorry make that 21 now! Nurse just came in and gave me another blood thinner…