Cancer Day 146 / Chemo Session 7/8: Finding myself

My Paxlitaxal chemo this time has definitely been cumulative. Even after I take steroids I need to have a nap! And Monday night the pain hit me full frontal. I was crying, shaking and it just completely overwhelmed me. Very unexpected! But my lovely husband was home and has helped me tremendously over the last few days. I’ve got the pain under control now thank goodness so hopefully it will be nice and short.
I was also told yesterday an acquaintance of mine is pregnant. I’ll be honest, I just lost it. Then I was guilting myself for being so jealous and upset. Obviously I am happy for them, but I still felt bad. My nanny said I’m ‘allowed to have a heart’. And it wasn’t until after speaking to another friend that I realised I’m not upset because I can’t have a baby right now, I’m upset because I lost my baby. It would have been due 5 December. I would be pregnant right now and going through everything my friends are going through, but I lost my baby. And I do credit getting pregnant and also losing (her) for saving my life. But it’s still a wound that hasn’t quite healed yet and is only brought forward when I see the happiness that other people have whilst I’m just sitting here trying to figure out when to take my next pain pill to get through the day.
Everyone knows how grateful I am, and how much I cherish Evie. But sometimes you just have low points you know? I had a couple of them yesterday that’s all.
So for the more uplifting bits….I’ve got acupuncture today and tomorrow I start Pilates. Need to get my strength back and lose some of this weight I’ve gained from the steroids they have me on. I’m really hoping it will help my joints and muscles not hurt so much too. I also found out about a great group at the Haven in Fulham that I could join after radiotherapy etc. It’s about transitioning on from having Breast Cancer. How to live my life, manage the ongoing side effects of treatment (namely fatigue) and push forward. I have a lot of unanswered questions. What do I want to do? Where do I go from here? I’m not the same person I was before this started and I want the rest of my life (however long that is) to be as happy and wonderful as possible. So I’m hoping this will help me figure some things out…

Feeling: Pained