Cancer Day 29 & 30: The trust

Elliott being away in Saudi has made me realise just how exhausting Evie can be during the day. I’ve not yet worked out if it’s my wounds healing, the stress of everything that’s been happening, or Evie being an active one-year-old that’s just made me more tired then usual. Thank goodness she sleeps through the night now. I don’t think I could deal with all of this if she didn’t.
I stayed at Ell’s parents house Wednesday night to help share in taking care of Evie and I know I just keep overdoing it with lifting her etc. because by the end of the day under my arm and boob is just in agony. I really need to get her to walk as soon as possible!
I know I’ve mentioned before that I think people are supposed to learn something (in almost everything that happens to us I believe in life lessons) and I just keep wondering if mine is to feel that I’m worth it. That I have value as a person and that people do love and care about me. I know it’s easy to say but it’s very different to feel it. And lately I’ve been noticing the voice in my head isn’t very nice to me. Last night I got an email from our Vicar (minister to my homies in the states) and he wants to come visit me and Evie. My first thought was ‘No!’ that there are much more deserving people. Really sick people in need who should have his time. But then I stopped myself. I didn’t trust that he’d make that decision for himself, and I didn’t allow myself to really feel that I do need help and that I am also worth that little bit of time. I finally realised I’ve been pushing away my grief lately, making light of my situation. Maybe to be strong for others around me, strong for my girl, I’m not sure. But like Ant said, I don’t need to be strong. I can have my days where I need others to be strong for me. I know that I’m going to have many of those days coming up in the future. So yeah, I’m going to let my Vicar come visit with me and my girl. I’m going to give myself a break and let people love me. I’m going to keep trying to realise that I’m worth all of it.

Feeling: Worth it