Cancer Free / Day 67: Haunted

Yesterday I went to a seminar sponsored by my work titled ‘Coming Back with Confidence’. It was a bunch of women who were all coming back to work after having had children and either to current jobs or ones looking for work. I’ve been really pushing myself to talk to new people because I just haven’t done that in months and months. Well we were supposed to go around the room and introduce ourselves and say how long we’d been away from work for.
This is where my nerves came in. I had four people in front of me and my heart was racing, I couldn’t breathe…I kept pretending to blow my nose when I was really wiping sneaky tears from my eyes. Should I tell everyone my secret? I’ve only said it out loud and only a handful of times. I spout about it online but it’s not the same when people can see you. I hide behind a keyboard and it’s easy to be me. But to say it to strangers, own it and be naked with it. I steadied myself and breathed as deeply as I could without making any noise and when it was my turn I became brave. I said that my name is Devon Young, I’m returning to work after 19 months leave. The first year raising my daughter Evie and the last 9 months dealing with breast cancer, of which is now gone.
I felt relieved. I felt the eyes around me understand why my hair is so short, why I might be shy. One lady said I seemed so positive…
But I can’t stop thinking of my Grandma Mabel and how she always gave me so much strength. She used to tell my boyfriend’s about my hardships I’ve overcome, that I was her girl. I so wish she was still with us. I wish she could say those words to me again, to help take away my pain. Sometimes I think the cancer was easier to go through then this healing part. The trauma it leaves behind after it ravages you. The suffering you go through to survive. Sometimes it’s just all a bit too much.

Feeling: Sad